Living With Depression

The purpose of this writing is to help others better understand depression. Though this is difficult for me, since I must practically bare my soul to give a personal accounting of what depression is like, I will do so with the hope the reader will be less judgmental and deprecating of those struggling with it. For those who aren't in the know, their harsh words and careless actions could possibly tip someone over the edge resulting in tragedy. People need to be informed.

Depression claims a long list of people, and I, for one, am part of it. As a sufferer, I can relate to others who are dealing with it. Feeling down all the time isn't a choice we make. People with depression just are. We wake up to it, we spend our days with it's ugly, oppressive shadow lurking over us, and we go to bed with it. It goes beyond feeling sad. It permeates the very depths of who and what we are. It can be a terrible thing, depriving a person of their very essence. Interests flag, and days are filled with emptiness and inactivity. Others tend to misunderstand and criticize, which only deepens the darkness.

Looking back, I've had to deal with depression from the time I was a youngster, though I wasn't educated as to what was wrong. All I knew was that I wanted to be happy, but somehow, I just couldn't be. To make matters worse, I underwent constant mental, and occasional physical abuse from my family and others while I was growing up. The abuse fed the depression and I spent many long, dark days hidden away, and wanting out.

What stopped me from taking a shortcut to the cemetery? I knew I was at the bottom, and the only directions left to me were up or out. But surely there would come a day when things would be better. I had to hang on until then, so I chose to wait in hopes of pulling up instead of checking out. Tragically, many people are so far into the dark hole of depression that even that tiny glimmer is extinguished.

Thanks in large part to depression, my grades dropped in school, which brought on the wrath of the students and teachers who didn't understand the underlying problem. My family chimed in with derogatory names as well, "lazy" and "stupid" being only two of the labels, so even at home among my parents and three older siblings, I felt isolated. Their criticisms and derisive remarks only fed my feelings of worthlessness and being alone, and it was a constant, downward spiral.

I finally managed to get through high school, but barely, then married at the age of 20. I found myself alone again, since my husband was away from home much of the time, and only after the arrival of our three children did I manage to peek out of the black hole of depression. Love for them helped fill it. Though I still had occasional bouts of depression, the children helped me through them, as for the first time ever, I had a meaningful purpose and a sense of belonging that was big enough to cast out that ugly shadow.

I am now 57 years old. The children are grown and in homes of their own, and depression has since deepened again. Though I'm incredibly fortunate in that they're living as close neighbors so I am able to see them fairly often, as well as the grandchildren they have given my husband and me, I again feel isolated and adrift. They are their own people now, and I am but a satellite circling around their worlds. Each passing year, my orbit is widening and growing farther away, and I am again searching for a purpose and a sense of belonging. With it has come the old shadow hanging ominously overhead, making each day a struggle, and leaving me to ask God, "Why am I here?"

In recent years my husband turned to the nursing profession, and at the age of 57, he graduated with honors from the toughest nursing school in our part of the country. His training helped him identify the state I was in, and he began researching. He found an article on the Internet that suggested a lack of iodine can bring on depression, and observations of patients at his place of employment seemed to support the theory.

Since deep depression had been hanging over me for many years, my husband gave me a bottle of iodine supplement in the form of kelp tablets, and instructed me to try them. He warned me to take only one tablet per day, though, as too much iodine could bring on health risks, perhaps causing cataracts of the eyes, for one.

Willing to do almost anything to bring relief, I did as he recommended, and I am glad to be able to say, the boost in iodine has helped. So while I'm still struggling with the emotional aspect of depression, I am enjoying the benefit of physiological relief. At least there is that, and the satisfaction of treating one of the causes instead of only covering the symptoms with drugs. And so at this writing, I feel there is hope. I am now more able to work on mind set, and hopefully conquer the dark shadow of depression.